Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Eight

Thanks for the input on blogging options. All that, and I'll probably stick with same-old-same-old Blogger hud till I am forced to move my business to the new Blogger version that's is just finishing Beta testing. I think I suffer from perfectionism. If I can't be the Uberblogger I will stay bland and get by. I want to be a cool, Zootesque or Kerfloppish blogger who cranks out gorgeous templates, and swell sites. I want to have my own domain. But when am I gonna get the time to learn how to be that cool? Plus?

HERE IS THE HORRIFYING RUB...

I have become little miss safey-safe. I play it safe all the way down the crapping line nowadays. Take this blog for instance... I don't talk about anything controversial, you will rarely hear my opinion on anything other than crock pot recipes. I dress for comfort and safety, my haircut is safe... neutral colors for make-up. I have gone from punk to passive in ten short years.

The reality is that I am still passionate and off-beat. Loud even. Not sure you can tell it from here. HA! it's day eight of the Blopping and already an epiphany... this blog is tapioca, it's Cream o' Wheat, white toast. So much of my existence has the flavor and consistency of the baby cereal I feed to Pearl, when I want to stretch and reach.

Last night Dadguy, who has no love for the "raggedy" style of quilts that I have been making... something about them not being practical. Whatever. Anyway he suggested that I make these quilts just because I know how. I took what he said and added "easy" and "safe" and ran away crying. Hey, I have never claimed to be logical or sane! In any case, this has started a thought process. How much of what I do and my daily choices are based on what is comfortable and familiar?

If I am choosing "safe" for the sake of "safe" (and by safe I don't mean stuff like "look both ways"... I mean "life on autopilot") then am I cheating myself? Maybe right now it's good to leave some things up to knee-jerk response. Maybe I have...

Did I just say that?

Because I don't believe that for a second. I don't believe that I am doing anyone a favor or accomplishing anything of good report by subsuming my whole being into a role/job/title. I am more than "Mama". My kids? They need to have a mama who rocks! They need a whole and real person.

A real person who right now has some very foul swears in her heart and a sinkful of dirty dishes... laundry souring in the washer, and kids playing loud sqawping pony games in the front room. Dude, I gotta think about this.

Edited to add: this doesn't mean that I think you are on autopilot just because you dress normal. I'm saying that I bore myself.

12 comments:

Robbie said...

YES!!!!! I couldn't agree more. Mama has to have SOMETHING that makes her heart sing, or life will be angry, sad and sour. Not fun for anybody. Love you!

Mama D said...

I just wanted to let you know that you don't bore me. And also you have posted a couple of very vulnerable and not-so-safe posts about your past lately. Perhaps you are baby cereal some of the time and jalapeno peppers other times.

I also wanted to let you know that I feel the same way. I think back to how I used to dress differently, wear my hair differently. And I feel bland. I think it's this place though. And getting older. But I know what you mean.

Anonymous said...

If you only knew how much I feel the same way sometimes...like I'm stifling myself, censoring myself, etc. I guess it's not always easy to "let it all hang out", no matter who you are.

BTW, just what is your opinion on crockpot recipes?

DadGuy said...

Yeah, I'm cool. I can make chicks cry.

Doh.

bon said...

Haha! You guys rock, but really? I don't even have too many opinions about crockpots, recipes or whatever!

Dadguy? You make me laugh and smile... last night was a fluke, and frankly? You were set up.

DadGuy said...

Set up?

elizasmom said...

Without in any way implying that I think you are boring ('cause that's definitely not true) , I sooooo totally get what you're talking about. I get in phases where I just annoy the you-know-whut out of myself with the boring, which then leads to the snippiness and then I just can't STAND myself.

I have no answers for you, just hoping you find the thing that gets you out of the rut, whether it's a new thing, or a rediscovery of what excites you about the things you already have.

sari said...

I think that I swear a lot less on my blog than I do in my head.

But I don't swear in front of my kids, either, so if you knew me, maybe you wouldn't think I swore.

And I won't talk about sex, because frankly, I don't really think people need to hear it (from me). If they want to, there are other places to go.

But I don't think I'm safe.

Boring maybe, ha ha ha.

I like reading your blog. Just so you know.

sari said...

ANd I don't mean to say I like you because I"m boring!


Whew! I hate reading too much into things!!!!!!

Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said...

I bore myself too...there is only so much intrigue you can leech out of housewifery.

I'll dye my hair purple if you will.

Heather from One Woman's World said...

Good post. I can see what you're saying in my own life, too. How to fix it? Wow. I need to think about this stuff, too.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

a hairstyle sequitor/non-sequitor:

tonight, at the mooo-vies, I went back in time about 22 years. There was a kid there who was the spittin' image of Robert Smith. His hair was Cure'd out to There - and well pulled off too. He was wearing a little black jacket with "Lords of the New Church" pinned to the arm.

I felt secure in my dotage, but not secure enough to look that kid in the eye.

some things never change. some things change a lot.