Monday, June 23, 2008

Poisoning

What is the cosmic logic of this? I get pregnant, and I do this with great faith and high hopes; I also have a pretty good idea what I am getting into, both in terms of what happens to me pregnancy-wise, and what life with a newborn is like. I know that these times and sensations too, will pass. I know also, beyond any question, that this is my last baby... so I might as well find any enjoyment and just roll with it.

And yet...

The fatigue and general malaise of pregnancy combine against me and my ever more pathetic attempts to keep this house and family in working order. The forgetfulness of my overloaded brain drags us further into chaos. The hormones push me closer to the edge in terms of sanity, already an unsteady balance as the mother of three young girls. Everything combines to inform my super-sensitive and increasingly EPIC self, that I am a crappy mother and wife (indeed, human being) who has no business having another child. WHY IS THIS!?

And I know from experience that this is just part of the territory for me. I know that literally one half of an hour after giving birth that the hormones poisoning my blood and body will recede, and I will be astounded at how AWESOME I feel. I will raise my hands above my head and not feel as though I am lifting an extra twenty pounds per arm. I will stand up and hobble my stretched, stitched, bleeding and ice packed posterior over to use the bathroom, tears of joy streaming down my face because this is the BEST that I have felt in nine months. And even as I am slogging through those first sleep-deprived months of ups and downs.... Dude. I am not pregnant anymore!

But here I am. Carrying a basket load of clothes upstairs leaves me breathless and a little faint. The disobedience (a.k.a. normal behavior) of my two year old renders me tearfully frustrated. One single comment from Dadguy breaks my heart, and leaves me sobbing even though I KNOW that he did not mean it THAT way. I cannot seem to force myself to get the dishes washed in any sort of timely fashion, the whole while berating myself for my sloth. They have to get washed, I will wash them, but why or why do I have to turn it into torture?

Again. The world's worst mother, wife and person is busy building a human body here! Aren't you glad I am procreating? Isn't it thrilling?

... and I know better than ALL of this, but it doesn't make it go away.

16 comments:

Superwoman said...

You and me sister! We'll both be at the DR Christmas party rejoicing that we are no longer pregnant!!! Still feeling a little fat and such but not pregnant!!!! I just hope that it is easier in the whole eternal scheme of things.

DadGuy said...

You should have mentioned in your last post that your meds are for your thyroid, not crazy meds.

Oh, uh, hi. Yeah, I hid the tire irons, hope you don't get a flat tire...

Suburban Gorgon said...

OH, girlie. I do know just what you mean. Bless your heart, as we say down here in the South.

beth - total mom haircut said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. I know, it's just beyond our control, and though we know why it is happening that just doesn't make it any better. Try to hang in there. Try to be kind to yourself, and try to give yourself a break.

I AM glad you're procreating.

moo said...

oh, I am so sorry. Those hormones plus being tired and having a rough pregnancy, but trying to force yourself to enjoy it ... yeah, that's all too much.

It's OK to cut yourself some slack. It's OK to let the laundry get a little behind, to not vacuum so much, to take some private time for yourself.

Mama D said...

I'm thinking of you. And hoping that you really don't continue to feel this horrible for the entire pregnancy. Because, although I don't have it so bad, I can imagine, because most of the time I feel pretty bad too.

xo

Becky..AMHW said...

I suddenly want to load your dishwasher.

(And I don't even want to load my own dishwasher.)

Becky..AMHW said...

I suddenly want to load your dishwasher.

(And I don't even want to load my own dishwasher.)

Becky..AMHW said...

I have no idea why that posted twice, I only hit the button once. That must be how badly I want to load your dishwasher.

bon said...

I would TOTALLY let you come and load my dishwasher... especially if you wear that cute little maids outfit!

Anonymous said...

Hey Bon, my sympathies are here for you. You know we'll be up for your father's conference thing early in august, and I'll come over and do up the dishwasher thing and clothes and vacume. Maybe even the toilets (not promising. I'm not pregnant, being 69 years old, but you know how i get when i smell something..) Hang in there. If everything goes to hell in a handbasket for the next few months, so be it. New years is coming!!!! Love, Mom

Jo said...

Awww, sweetie. That is a pretty sad state of things. You certainly have my sympathy. But as you said, even though you know you will feel better sometime, sometime is NOT today. Be nice to yourself.

elizasmom said...

Eeccchhh. Knowing it's hormonal doesn't make it go away — and it also doesn't mean it's nothing. There will come a time SOON when you will be able to laugh about how hormonal you are now, I know it. (viz. Me, weeping hysterically after Red Sox won in 2004, sobbing to husband that we must name our unborn Curt, after pitcher Curt Schilling. Am not now, nor have I ever been, into baseball.)

In the meantime, just know that there are a whole mess o'chicks out here who feel your pain...

Lynanne said...

Take a deep breath and let it be. Accept and forgive yourself.

...then scream your bloody head off until someone carries you off in restraints. :)

Feel better now?

I'm so, so sorry you are having a rough time. I hope tomorrow is better.

Nobody™ said...

I'm not pregnant, but I feel crappy too, if that makes you feel any better. I think part of it is that I'm weening myself off the crazy pills.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

I gots two words for ya sistah:

whore moans.

YOU knows it. don't make it better, but by god it does explain a thing or two.

I am so sorry you are whore moanal. It's not fun!