Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I think about quitting blogging. According to Dadguy I contemplate it out loud about once every two weeks.
This past week I very nearly did the deed. I had my swansong post half written... mind you I planned to have the addendum stating my right to take it all back and come sniveling back on bended knee. But I was this close.
I am having a crisis of some sort over her in Chaosville. I am afraid that I will never fulfill my dream of writing and publishing. I am afraid that I am blowing the best opportunity I will ever have of getting published. I feel like I am watching everything pass me by, and that putting time into blogging is a distraction from following my dreams.
The reasons I am feeling this way a varied and complex, I could bore y'all with an entire post cataloging the points, reasons and alleged opportunities-being-blown behind my current unsettled self. But I won't. Really, it all comes down to the idea that I am what I do. Or more to the point: I am what I do and how well I do it.
My life until about five years ago had been pretty OK, mostly because I was able to put my oompah into things that I do well at. But the job of SAHM is the most difficult and unquantifiable job I have ever had. It seems to come entwined with the jobs of Physical Plant Manager, Caterer, Teacher, Staging Coordinator, Events Planner and general Behavioral Specialist. I haven't the foggiest clue as to how well I am doing at this job, this lifestyle. I am paddling as furiously as I can, and the best I seem to do is to keep my head above water. Yeah, I am the first to acknowledge that I may be doing well in some areas, and I know that I cannot expect to be great at everything...
Gaghk! How tiresome this is when I write it all out. I sound every bit as lame as I feared I would typing these lame words for you to read. Yeah, go ahead and ask me about my non-existent manuscript that I am so hot to get published! How are the illustrations coming? Well they aren't, thanks for asking.
It's time to get my Zen on and just chill. But how is that done? How do you define yourself if not by "what you do and how well?" How do you accept what is, and find joy in it... the day to day of it all?
So any hows... for today I still blog.