Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Close Call

I think about quitting blogging. According to Dadguy I contemplate it out loud about once every two weeks.

This past week I very nearly did the deed. I had my swansong post half written... mind you I planned to have the addendum stating my right to take it all back and come sniveling back on bended knee. But I was this close.

I am having a crisis of some sort over her in Chaosville. I am afraid that I will never fulfill my dream of writing and publishing. I am afraid that I am blowing the best opportunity I will ever have of getting published. I feel like I am watching everything pass me by, and that putting time into blogging is a distraction from following my dreams.

The reasons I am feeling this way a varied and complex, I could bore y'all with an entire post cataloging the points, reasons and alleged opportunities-being-blown behind my current unsettled self. But I won't. Really, it all comes down to the idea that I am what I do. Or more to the point: I am what I do and how well I do it.

My life until about five years ago had been pretty OK, mostly because I was able to put my oompah into things that I do well at. But the job of SAHM is the most difficult and unquantifiable job I have ever had. It seems to come entwined with the jobs of Physical Plant Manager, Caterer, Teacher, Staging Coordinator, Events Planner and general Behavioral Specialist. I haven't the foggiest clue as to how well I am doing at this job, this lifestyle. I am paddling as furiously as I can, and the best I seem to do is to keep my head above water. Yeah, I am the first to acknowledge that I may be doing well in some areas, and I know that I cannot expect to be great at everything...

Gaghk! How tiresome this is when I write it all out. I sound every bit as lame as I feared I would typing these lame words for you to read. Yeah, go ahead and ask me about my non-existent manuscript that I am so hot to get published! How are the illustrations coming? Well they aren't, thanks for asking.

It's time to get my Zen on and just chill. But how is that done? How do you define yourself if not by "what you do and how well?" How do you accept what is, and find joy in it... the day to day of it all?

So any hows... for today I still blog.


Anonymous said...

I was just thinking last night how well you do it. You are so "in tune" with your children. And that IS all that's important with the mother thing.


sari said...

I have these issues as well.

My husband asked me the other day "So, how's the big novel coming along."

About all I could say was "well, I really have some great ideas!"

He just laughed at me.

It's hard staying home, because your time is not anything routine, and there's always something that's not done. Writing. Laundry. Dusting. Whatever. It's always something.

I've been doing this for five years and I still don't have my juggling juggled out right. Not to be a Debbie-Downer, but just to say, you're not alone.

I like your blog, I hope you keep it up. But I think we all could devote ourselves to things that are a little nearer and dearer to our hearts, couldn't we? (other than our kids, I mean).

Blogarita said...

I think you should just follow your heart, wherever it leads. If that means you give up blogging, so be it (although you would be missed). If that means being the mama for now, so be it.

Maybe you aren't blowing the best opportunity you have for being published. Maybe you're experiencing moments that will make you an even better moment later on.

elizasmom said...

Oooooohhh nononono! You are totally not allowed to stop blogging!

OK, I know, I don't get a say. You should do what feels right, and do it without apology.

I agree with Blogarita, though, about how maybe you aren't blowing the best opportunity you have for being published, and I'll go one further: I have the same angst about getting my (also non-existent) manuscript published, and I worried about the role blogging plays in my life. I finally decided that blogging is practice. It's a place to try on writing styles and topics and ideas — and who knows, maybe there's an entry out there — or entries, plural, that will one day form the framework of your book. For example: I don't know what it is that you want to write, exactly, but your thoughts on religion/spirituality/light — those are some amazing entries that have really stuck in my head and inspired me to write and think about those subjects within my own life.

Now saying you gotta write about that per se, but you might be closer than you think...

Nobody™ said...

Since I don't know you personally, I can't be sure about this, but from where I sit it appears you are doing a fine job of raising the chaos girls. Maybe you are just keeping your head above water, but so what? As long as you are being a loving parent to your children and doing the best that you can, you are a successful parent in my book! I used to have a schedule that allowed me to be a Mr. Mom quite often. I can tell you that it was a difficult job. Just keep on keeping on...

Oh, and if you stop blogging? I will hunt you down and force you to eat massive quantities of green jell-o. I know where you live.

Jessica G. said...

My neck is sore from nodding in agreement with this post. Seriously, I could have written it but you did a much better job of it.
We have no gauge as to the job we are doing as mothers. Is it measured in painted clay ashtrays? Did we do well if our kids don't require therapy? There's no way to tell. And I need to know there is progress. But there's nothing other than the daily load of laundry and the pencil marks on the height ruler.
I just discovered your blog so please continue it! It helps me feel less silly for staying up all night typing out a really good plot idea when I know I have to drive the carpool for preschool in the morning.

Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said...

I'm flagging with the loss of my sewing room. Said goodbye to it when my third kid decided to surprise us.

(He is currently eating dry raisin bran out of a coffee mug using an ice cream scoop.)

My ongoing hope is that someday soon this kid will be in school. My husband has told me I can do what I like with that time.

Mama D said...

I am being so selfish. As I read this post I had to cover my own mouth with my hand so I didn't scream "NOOOOooooo!!" and wake the baby.

But I do understand. I always tell myself that blogging is good practice for when I finally do write something. Like, good.

If you ever do quit I insist that you must email me at least once a week.

Heather said...

Bon, do you want to start an online novelist support group with me... just us in email... we could give each other deadlines and force it if you wanted to... I have these same feelings.

Suburban Gorgon said...

Girl, I'm having the same internal monologue.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

I hold you personally responsible for getting me started in the blog world.

Ergo, you're not allowed to quit.

Besides. You rock.