Transparency

I used to blog pretty regularly. I look back at it and it kinda blows me away that I was ever that transparent with the things that I thought and felt.

I assure you.... sometimes I'll lose my beans in a conversation and actually unpack some things that I think and feel, but that's the exceptional situation nowadays. There are reasons. Some of it's my fault, some of it's situational and some of it is frankly, cuz people are assholes.

Or perhaps it's cuz I'm the asshole.

Not actually proud of the fact that I've become so tightly zipped. In some ways it's a sign of cowardice.

Maybe I am a coward. 

But. 

I mean, I feel like I've taken a few hits lately. It's understandable that I'd be a little head-shy. 

Plus as a woman in her 50's, while I have a healthy respect for my own ability to think and put information and ideas together, I no longer consider myself as .... more "correct than most"? ... "right"... or even necessarily as "logic based"? as I once did. I have been wrong enough times, I have seen my own tribalism and bias enough times that I'm not in such a fat hurry to make statements and back them up to the death.

Plus given todays culture of ultra-tribalism and name calling... I'm too worn down to even bother most of the time. It exhausts me, the shredding of people I see so many indulging in online.

It's not all bad. A good portion of my blogging in the past was me thinking thoughts and having internal conversations while doing the more banal and mind-numbing parts of being a SAHM of young kids. Cuz really... kids can be entertaining, but they aren't what I'd call stimulating conversationalists. I have less of that kind of mind numbing scut work, and more of homeschooling conversations with teenagers and my one tween dude. Also thinking about homeschooling and DOING homeschooling. Not actually engaged in so much "boring stuff"nowadays.

But I do think about stuff.

Right now I'm thinking about mostly crummy stuff. Like how lonely I am. Like how I miss my walking buddies, my lunch buddies and my temple going buddies. I miss my sisters and my mom. Like how I'm stuck at my place of work for the rest of forever.... with Laundry and effing MATHS whispering little "your failing" sweet nothings in my ear. Constantly.

...and now with YARD WORK jumping in the mix. Last year I failed big time at the yard work thing. I may have killed my peach tree, most definitely I maimed it. I let it get over burdened with peaches and it nearly split in half. Several key branches simply buckled and sheared off. I can hardly look at it for the shame and sorrow of it all. I just cannot even with the garden boxes of endless burrs and sticker weeds. I'm tempted to Round Up nearly everything in that back corner and just start afresh next year.

But I'm also thinking about how much worse off we could be right now. I'm thinking about how much worse off so many people are, what with financial insecurity and health concerns and on and on. 

I am such a dreary schmuck.... I kinda hate myself right now.

I'mma post this anyway, and try again tomorrow.