The New Year

Looking at Instagram and Facebook with all the "sum up 2019 in a word" and "what I learned in 2019" posts.

I have tried on a few words and ideas.... but I really? Just. Can't. Even.

Words like "humiliation" and "rabid"... is "gaslit" a word? Perhaps "graceless?" I'm really tryna re-frame my experiences, and I do actually see the positives of what I went through last year, but so much of the upside has to be explained, put into perspective of how things went down and how I wish I'd been capable of doing it differently.

Like, how I wish I had more faith and grace and less scrabbling fear. This past year has really thrown up my weaknesses in stark relief. I am ashamed.

But.

Is it possible to have PTSD from lousy customer service? I kinda think so, if you do it in conjunction with a life threatening emergency. At the very least how IHC handled my situation, it resuscitated some of the mess I was left with from my abusive marriage to Thatguy. I'm actually not kidding or exaggerating here. Mr. Thatguy was good as gaslighting, and apparently so is IHC. That's Intermountain Health Care (hospitals and doctors) for those who don't live in Utah, and aren't subjected to the ubiquitous hellspawn that is the SelectHeath/IHC incestuous horror. 

...and BTW, I'm naming names now. SeletHealth is the health insurance company that screwed me over. The people reviewing my final appeals actually had the gall to congratulate me on writing up such a complete and easily readable summary of what happened and why. They were so impressed with how much time and attention I'd put into it, and then denied it without even thinking for two seconds. 

Really. What the flip is wrong with people to want to compliment me for obviously pouring time and effort, blood, sweat and tears into a worthless endeavor? Condolences would be more in line.

"You poor sod, what a waste!"

 It's all still here, the freakout, the rabidness, the grief, along with a goodly dose of humiliation. Because I have definitely lost my crap to random employees at IHC in trying to navigate their byzantine system. My only defense is the fact that it's a LOT of money on the line, and IHC has set it up so that you can never deal with the same representative twice, so every phone call is a minimum of two hours out of my life with the constant explaining.

Let's be frank here, however, it wasn't just SelectHealth/IHC. When something medical happens you get hit up for cash by the hospitals, the anesthesiologists, the surgeons, the ER docs, the CT guys... the list goes on and on. In the end, I got a 0% interest credit card and  offered to pay in-full any institution or doc that would give me a 25% or better discount. Had one anesthesiologist AND the ER doctor's billing companies come back on me and try to extort the DISCOUNT out of me a few months later. TWO separate medical billing companies. 

I swear I'm getting better.... and while the details of what this is costing is horrifying, it turns out that we can get it done. I really feel like it's a blessing on the one hand and a heartbreak on the other.... watching the money waltz out of our bank account and family finances. But as the terms of our payment plan is five years at 0% interest, this will be a nice little niggling reminder for the rest of what feels like forever. 

And we've kinda become one of those families. For Christmas we had several anonymous envelopes of cash show up on our doorstep for a total of a $1,000 that we'll for sure be putting in our medical account towards my bills. 

Now THAT I'd call humbling. not humiliating, but humbling. This little low-tech-mini-go-fund-me. I don't know who to thank, so I'll thank my God.

...and that's probably a good start for 2020.