So wow, yeah... LaLa is at her first day (half day?) of Kindergarten right now. I dropped her off at school and then took Henry and Pearl in the double stroller for a walk. Finally.
It is so liberating to just have the two. I can just walk. And here I am, posting on the old bloggy; Pearl is downstairs getting reacquainted with Diego, and Henry is visiting the Sandman. And I am glad for these small mercies, but today they just underscore how low my standards have sunk. How little I expect from myself or for myself outside of the realm of motherhood and wifery.
A few of my favorite bloggers have posted recently and I find that I cannot even comment on their posts because everything I have to say is self-pity slop. And envy; envy when I know better than to compare my reality with the teeny slice of reality that I see of another's life.
I also recently read this really stupid feminist rant about an equally stupid anti-feminist article and the parts of it that stuck out to me (other than the fact that both sets of folks were giving us all a good view of their posteriors) was a bit about how babies give their mommies a sort of narcotic high. Oxytocin I believe was what the more scientific-minded called it. While I am as google-headed as the next mommy over my fat friar of a Henry-boy... I think I am getting gypped in the contact high department.
Have you seen Phoebe in Wonderland? It's a beautiful movie, thoughtful and well done, and well acted... there is a part though, that resonated in me so much that it hurt. The mom and the father are talking while raking leaves, and the mom character is explaining that she is angry that she isn't writing, and how she is afraid that when she is 70 that she will be going on endlessly about her children because she won't have anything else, because she won't have done anything important. And then she is mad because sometimes she isn't scared of that at all, because her children make her live.
Only my children don't make me live. I don't think so anyway.
I find myself with this carrot of "in six years" dangling in front of my mental nose... like some holy grail of motherhood. This "when they are all in school" fantasy that I will be able to do creative things again. That I will be able to write then. I tell myself that I cannot write now because I am so tired and distracted... that perhaps if I had the energy of a younger mother I could do it.
Sorry LaLa... don't mean to steal your thunder. I am so very proud of you, and you are so ready for this time in your life.
Just that some days I wish that I was ready for this time in my life.
7 comments:
Now let's look at the other side:
I keep thinking that my baby girl isn't a baby anymore and next year she'll be in school and thank goodness we have another on the way because otherwise I will be bored out of mind trying to come up with something to do without a kid to keep me busy....
And that's how it goes in my head, one continuous run on sentence punctuated with "ohmygod...ohmygod...ohmygod...ohmygod...what happens when I run out of kids?"
It almost makes me understand the Duggars. Almost.
Oh LaLa! Can it be that you are a school girl already!! Except SHEESH!! She looks old enough to be going in to grade 2!! Or is it just me?
I get this post. So I am therefore so TOTALLY not meant to have more children. I feel like I am in limbo right now waiting for preschool and other activities to start although I also dread the hectic-ness that I know it will bring.
More for financial reasons I daydream about when they are both in school and I can work more which is good because my work is creative and I'll get to see Peter more and I'll get to have alternate Saturdays OFF!! YAY!
Sometimes I think about Stephanie Meyer and I hate her for being able to write like she did with young kids. I hate her in the way you hate that friend everyone has who is beautiful, and smart and also the nicest person in the world. How can all that good come in package?
I am amazed at the pictures of Lala today and Birdie a few days ago. They have grown so much, and they both look so pretty in their first-day-of-school outfits!
As for your longing for time to yourself, be patient. I was similar to you, my carrot was "some day I will read an entire book again!!!!" But there was always a deep-seated fear that I would be too old by the time that moment would come. Too old to read a whole book without falling asleep, too old to enjoy all the many things I wanted to try, to experience. Soon I would be 30, or 40, or 50, way over the hill, in the land of boredom and emptiness. Well, at 60 I look back and am amazed how many new and exciting things you can do at any age. But you can never get those precious years back when your children were young. Cherish the many tender, funny, and even the sad moments on their journey towards independence. And when they arrive there, it's your turn, Mama! Go for it with a vengeance. This will be YOUR time, and yours alone!
Please don't hate me for saying this, I just wanted to share what experience has taught me. And of course, as the children get older, you will be able to squeeze out more and more moments for yourself, maybe even much sooner than "in six years".
;-) Mama
Congrats La La! What a stylin' kindergartener! (I love your kids style!) I think (hope) that having the feelings you have about having so little time are normal (because I know lots of mothers who have them too--just not according to their blogs! I hate this about blogging--that slice of perfection life --annoying!!) Sometimes for me though (if I might self-pity myself a little too) I think --but what else WOULD I be doing? As stunted as I sometimes feel that perhaps is a little worse because what CAN I DO? I am glad You are a writer and be glad you are too and you know it! That is great! I fully think, since you obviously are motivated, and talented, you will find LOTS to do with creating someday! I know we all marvel at the art you create with your children, I know, and the great writing on your blog. Also, who knows, with as little time as this is in eternity I think you will find great uses for your creativity in time to come. But, I know, it doesn't make it easier to wait. You are doing so well with what you are doing! I hope I am not sounding preachy here, I just sympathize and wish I had answers for you, and me, and the others who are honest about it! ; )
...sending wishes for more moments, and more energy for creativity your way!!!
Lindsay
*
This too shall pass.
But it's OK to be impatient about it until it does.
Yeah, I gotta chime in with all the folks ooh-ing and ah-ing over your girls' wonderful sense of style and flat-out prettiness.
As for that article, I read that and was all, "Huh-what?" So I guess we are in similar sailing vessels there. I gotta watch that Phoebe movie now, because it sounds really good.
There you is on my TV! Not that what happened is the way to get on TV...but there you be.
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