so I have really been holding out on all y'all. Some pretty momentous stuff has been going on in my life, and I haven't been sharing it. Good momentous. Biiiiiig stuff, heh!
But it's not events, it's a shift in understanding. My world has been rocked- Hard. And yet this is all stuff that I have known for years, but somehow unable to apply to myself.
Kay, well there was actually a lot that I didn't know... but seriously... do me a favor and read this. Umm.... except for the foul language, just skip over that part if you will please mom. Check out the links. Go on ahead, I can wait.
thinkingthinkingthinkingthinkingthinkingthinkingSo the party line that you hear on the reality weight loss shows, and what I hear in the Weight Watchers rooms has been that " I want to be there to see my kids grow up." The obvious extension of which is, " my fat body is a death sentence, and I will be orphaning my children if I don't LOSE WEIGHT NOW!!!!."
As it is turning out... my fat body could HELP me survive better in a number of ways? And not just in In Case Of Death Camp sorts of ways?
So if it's NOT killing me to be fat, and if I am not necessarily dooming myself to health problems through my selfish and lazy refusal to diet and starve myself (not the exercise... apparently exercise and eating good food is very important for any size person, shocker... I know) then what?
Because I hate to repeat mahself, let me just copy/paste a little portion of an email I sent to my sister a few days ago...
"... I think that after this baby, that I want to start running again. Have been having running dreams, the way that the early twenties me, had motorcycle dreams. Running equals freedom and success to my unconscious the way that riding used to. I want to be strong, a runner and fat. I want to take karate and be a fat, kick-your-butt sort of woman. I have always said that I have enough personality to rock the very short hair and still be feminine. I think that I also have enough personality rock my fat butt and still be beautiful. Not pretty. Beautiful.
Thinking thinking thinking thinking....
Just knowing that it all comes down to eating right and being active and that it's OK to look like I look, because I WILL anyway (look like I look). No, not OK... it will be AWESOME to look like I look. Look at me *stands tall and arms spread wide* look at MEEEE!
I think this is part of happiness in the eternities. I always wondered what my resurrected body would look like. If it would be up to my OWN standards of perfect, or someone else's. I think that the God who loves Himself some variety, has a broader definition of perfection than Vogue magazine. Broader, taller, shorter, skinnier, stouter, chubbier. I am excited to be thinking like this. To be finally BELIEVING like this."
Seriously, I am just getting started. Some things are really starting to fall into place. All of a sudden I am giving myself permission to like me. As I am. With no caveat; no," and I am working on getting thinner" or "I have a long way to go" or "when I am thinner." The excuses and the shame are starting to drop off, and it turns out that they, not my flesh, are what has been weighing me down.