Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Big Happenin's



Soooo...

so I have really been holding out on all y'all. Some pretty momentous stuff has been going on in my life, and I haven't been sharing it. Good momentous. Biiiiiig stuff, heh!

But it's not events, it's a shift in understanding. My world has been rocked- Hard. And yet this is all stuff that I have known for years, but somehow unable to apply to myself.

Kay, well there was actually a lot that I didn't know... but seriously... do me a favor and read this. Umm.... except for the foul language, just skip over that part if you will please mom. Check out the links. Go on ahead, I can wait.

thinkingthinkingthinkingthinkingthinkingthinking
So the party line that you hear on the reality weight loss shows, and what I hear in the Weight Watchers rooms has been that " I want to be there to see my kids grow up." The obvious extension of which is, " my fat body is a death sentence, and I will be orphaning my children if I don't LOSE WEIGHT NOW!!!!."

As it is turning out... my fat body could HELP me survive better in a number of ways? And not just in In Case Of Death Camp sorts of ways?

Huh.

So if it's NOT killing me to be fat, and if I am not necessarily dooming myself to health problems through my selfish and lazy refusal to diet and starve myself (not the exercise... apparently exercise and eating good food is very important for any size person, shocker... I know) then what?

Because I hate to repeat mahself, let me just copy/paste a little portion of an email I sent to my sister a few days ago...


"... I think that after this baby, that I want to start running again. Have been having running dreams, the way that the early twenties me, had motorcycle dreams. Running equals freedom and success to my unconscious the way that riding used to. I want to be strong, a runner and fat. I want to take karate and be a fat, kick-your-butt sort of woman. I have always said that I have enough personality to rock the very short hair and still be feminine. I think that I also have enough personality rock my fat butt and still be beautiful. Not pretty. Beautiful.

Thinking thinking thinking thinking....

Just knowing that it all comes down to eating right and being active and that it's OK to look like I look, because I WILL anyway (look like I look). No, not OK... it will be AWESOME to look like I look. Look at me *stands tall and arms spread wide* look at MEEEE!

I think this is part of happiness in the eternities. I always wondered what my resurrected body would look like. If it would be up to my OWN standards of perfect, or someone else's. I think that the God who loves Himself some variety, has a broader definition of perfection than Vogue magazine. Broader, taller, shorter, skinnier, stouter, chubbier. I am excited to be thinking like this. To be finally BELIEVING like this."


Seriously, I am just getting started. Some things are really starting to fall into place. All of a sudden I am giving myself permission to like me. As I am. With no caveat; no," and I am working on getting thinner" or "I have a long way to go" or "when I am thinner." The excuses and the shame are starting to drop off, and it turns out that they, not my flesh, are what has been weighing me down.


9 comments:

Blogarita said...

Hurray for you, Bon!! This is wonderful!

This is the way I've always felt about fat, even when I was a waif-thin, couldn't-gain-if-I-tried person (and believe me, I tried).

Now that I'm fat-for-me (more or less average to everyone else, I'm told), I feel so much better about myself. Stronger AND more feminine.

I hope more women read your post, and the one you linked, too. They are important words.

moo said...

Hooray!

I'm so glad you are able to see and accept yourself for who you are ... that is SUPER HARD to do.

Mama D said...

Awesome, awesome, AWESOME!!!

Can I remind you how much I love you and think you are great now? Okay. Thanks.

I am going to be inspired by you to try to feel the same way, love myself as is. Cause 'as is' is pretty darn great!

Superwoman said...

I think the most important thing is to be the healthiest you can be. I will NEVER be a size 6 again, but, if I can get toned and healthy and be a rockin' size 12 after three kids and three c-sections I'll be happy. We are not all size 0's and we shouldn't be. There is beauty in all of us. The key is to eat right and be active, whatever size that makes you. Good for you for coming to this important epifany. I'm just starting to come around myself!

Nobody™ said...

"obesity research is turning up surprising information all the time — much of which goes ignored by the media"

The media... How I hate them. Fear sell, and fat stories sell, and telling people that we have "an epidemic on our hands" is just more bull crap fear mongering from the mainstream media bozos, most of whom have IQ's right around room temperature. Besides, it's easier for them to keep repeating stuff rather than so some research to report something new.

I agree with pretty much everything I read on that other site. I know diets don't work. The weight loss surgery that's all the rage doesn't work long term either. I'll guarantee that. And for the few that it "works" on, they will end up much less healthy than when they were "fat". My mother has a friend that did the surgery, she is withering away to nothing. Last I heard she was down to about 80lbs and looked like death warmed over.

So good for you! Don't spend your life trying to mold yourself to what "society", or the media want you to be. All that matters is that you like yourself.

Nobody™ said...

(I really need to start checking my comments for typos before clicking publish..)

Suburban Gorgon said...

Good on you, Bon!

Fantastagirl said...

Good for you -I wish I was there...

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

I love you.

that is all.