Well, that's a little better.
I have this thing that happens to me, primarily during the second trimester of pregnancy. This thing where all of a sudden the levels of thyroid medication that I am taking are not enough. But it's more than just feeling more tired than usual. The closest thing that I can liken the experience to, is feeling like I have poison coursing through my veins. And for some reason, it always takes me by surprise when it happens, and then I figure it out, get hold of the doctor, get the lab work done and get a new prescription. These steps take time, and I spend a minimum of two weeks in toxic hell with each shift, and I get anywhere from three to four of these shifts per pregnancy.
These shifts herald an inability to do much of anything, and yet, I don't dare just go on a slightly high level of meds. My body reacts to too much synthetic thyroid with hives. I am today just normalizing from the last shift. I feel a little less like I am dying.
Again, this is my last baby. Three months to go. I can totally DO this.
As a matter of fact, even though this shift came with a heavy Emotional Breakdown Factor... I have also been enjoying feelings of contentment and joy. Which is odd, because usually when I am down physically and emotionally, I can't see my way clear and just get depressed. I suspect that this over all sense of well being comes from a cross between the topic of my last post, and a sense of how HUGE of a blessing it is to have my children. Not every woman gets to have completion the way that I am getting it. We are all here. I wanted biological children, and I got them. I got as many as I wanted. I get my girls and a boy. Dadguy works his patoot off so that I can stay home with them. I chose this. He chose this. We have an amazing marriage. A little bit of sick that has a time limit on it? The resulting domestic chaos? Yeah... I can totally DO this.
Two nights ago as I got LaLa into her bed with her sippy cup, blanket, air kisses and bed-buddy just so, my heart swelled with love for her, and gratitude that I am alive and her mama. No one could ever love her, or understand her as I do... and I get to do this.
I am the mama.