Friday, August 06, 2010

Where DID July Go?

I have started several posts in the past couple of weeks. I have thought about it, really I have. I just get so tired when I try to think about how to actually write the things that I am thinking about. It's just too hard.

So I am gonna give myself permission to be more stream-of-consciousness than I have allowed myself lately, just so's I can get started again. And yep, I am gonna let myself whine and bitch a little too.

I am sad to see some of my ideas go by the wayside, I just can't develop them right now. Four kids, y'all. I am maxed out. Plus there has been the issue of the fact that I have probably spent the past year or so wayyy low on thyroid. I switched doctors a few months back, and I feel like crying when it becomes clear that the last set of docs, or the lab they used, or something in the mix has kept me disastrously low. Man, I trusted those jokers with my health. It took a year of astoundingly poor health, 30 pounds of weight gain, exhaustion, hair loss and depression before I finally gave up on those shmoes. And I am having a hard time not beating myself for figuring it out earlier, for taking such poor care of myself. I know better. I know better.

It is what it is... I just hope I can get enough hair back that I can spend less time on my comb-over strategies to hide my bald spots.

Fact is... some days I just want to run away. But just for a week. Ya know? Or maybe a month. I'd like to get a pedicure, a passport and a ticket to hide out. Faaaar away. Where no one needs me to feed them, or dress them, or clean them or clean up after them. Where I am not having to be on my toes for "teaching opportunities" or asking the right questions or listening to the meandering and halting stories of four year olds. Feel guilty for letting the kids watch yet another episode of Invader Zim on Netflix, for not taking them to the library enough, or yelling at them.

Really, it's been a great summer. I am getting back to normal-ish, and of course that's good.

But, I dream of just being plain old me for a little while.

8 comments:

anne nahm said...

***hugs*** Let's run away together! For like 7 hours. To a day spa!

PS: my word is imacki. Do you think it's I, macki, I, or I'm Acki? I do feel kind of acki now that I think about it.

John & Tiffani said...

Yes, I blog stalk you. Thanks for being normal - it makes me feel better about myself when I know someone else wants a break too! Good luck getting better.

Shelli said...

I think you sound like a normal mom of 4 kids. Whatever that means. ;)

It sucks about your doctors/health. I hope you are starting or start to feel better soon.

Mama D said...

Hey. I just want you to know that I really, Really, REALLY, miss you.

And yes, me too. Need a break. Can't imagine how you're feeling x2 more little people.

Don't be so hard on yourself about the doctor thing. We try to trust them. They SHOULD know what they're doing. We're busy, we don't have time for doubt. We have stuff going on in our lives that seems to contribute to those types of symptoms and doesn't necessarily scream HEALTH ISSUE. Glad things are getting back on track there. No experience with thyroid stuff but I know folks who do and it seems nasty.

xo

pretty darn prosaic said...

Thanks for posting even though you feel so crappy. Not, not, not cool how hard the whole doctor merrygoround can be.

Lindsay said...

You mean you don't enjoy listening to those 4 your old fanstastically amazingly ENTERTAINING tales? What?! HA! I love hearing someone else say this out loud because...um YEAH.

I SO GLAD You figured out about your doctors and I had no idea you have lost hair because I think it is always looking great!

YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!

Lindsay

Meredith said...

I hate learning the hard way that some doctors are just not on their toes and that we can't necessarily trust them.

I am amazed you even get time to post and do anything remotely normal with 4 kids!

JenK said...

Where has August gone? It's almost over.

Can I run away with you and Anne? That sounds like a good plan.