Monday, May 10, 2010

The Not-Post

I just cannot write.

Sorry, I can't. I have tried again and again but I can't even write about the incident that happened last week when I "lost" Lilac and Pearl for 45 minutes. My neighbor, who's basement they were happily playing in with her son the whole time called it a "Perfect Storm," but I think I'll just go with "Custer Cuss." It's a little closer to my true feelings on the matter. It was just a lining up of the stars and a couple of horrible coincidences that set up to really freak a mama out.

Let's just let it suffice to say that when I did track them down I started sobbing on her doorstep, and spent the rest of the day feeling almost paralyzed.
I got a church calling a few months ago to serve as a den leader for the Bears. It's Boy Scouts of America crap, if you are wondering, and the way I feel about the LDS's relationship with the BSA... well, it's not pretty and it's complicated and while I love the boys and am perfectly happy serving in this capacity on one hand, I have a lot of anger and grief mixed in there as well.

I have to work to make peace with this calling just about on a daily basis. I feel muzzled, in that I don't feel free to write about how I feel and why. I am ashamed to feel the way that I do, but on the flip side I feel entirely justified. Another cluster cuss. I cannot think very hard about it without weeping. More shame.

There. I said it. Maybe that will be enough and now I can just blog.
Life is interesting and mostly good. I saw a silver minivan with metallic charcoal grey tribal flames across the front and down the sides.
We got a family picture taken... but halfway thru, Birdie had a meltdown cuz we kept trying to tease a real smile out of her instead of this.

So we let the kids go run it off for a minute. They ended up in the pond to varying degrees. Even Henry. So that was it for the formal shots... but there were a few really good pics after that.

Note that Pearl's leggings have been hiked up, only they are already soggy and brown. Too little too late. Stinker.

There is a swab of mud on his arm and a bit on his eyelid, but on the other side of his head there is a new ding and he is kinda soggy from falling in a puddle. Stinker.

This one is gonna have to be it by default. Works for me.

Also, we might have some land this time!


Gary and Lindsay said...


Heather said...

I think one of my first arguments with my husband involved a calling involving scouts. I don't feel like I can write about it either.

Great pics!

Mama D said...

I love Birdies not quite a smile. It makes you wonder what she's thinking.

I adore the family photo.

And I'm SO excited for you about the land.

(Sorry about the incident with the girls. I'm sure it was horrific until you knew they were safe.)

elizasmom said...

Gaaaah. Would so have lost it if it were me and my missing girlie, too.

Don't know a great deal about the BSA/LDS thing, but I am hoping that you're able to come to a resolution on the matter soonish.

Can I ask a question — and I hope it doesn't sound flip, because it's something I've wondered about a lot whenever I read something about an LDS member struggling with a calling: Can you just say "No"?

I mean, I get that some sacrifice is obviously the point and that if you're serious about your religion you will maybe have to do some stuff that's hard and overwhelming sometimes, or that maybe to some degree you have to trust that those who selected you for the calling see something in you that works for that calling even if you don't see it yourself yet.

But if you're philosophically, ethically, or whatever truly at odds with what a calling requires of you, does it even really serve either the LDS member or the church to shoehorn him/her into it? Do you really just have to suck it up?

On a totally different note: Your family = gorgeous. Even (or should that be especially) Birdie's crooked smirkiface.

bon said...

Elizasmom: That's not flip, that's a very good question. We absolutely have the option of saying no to any calling, some do and I seriously considered saying no to this one. I have reasonable objections to the way the BSA is handled within our church, but I understand generally why it is the way that it is. I also have some less reasonable objections stemming from my childhood and some family dynamics, and I want to get past them.

It also must be said that I do NOT trust that the people in charge of issuing this call knew something about me, or saw something in me... but I do believe that because they had the calling they have, they were inspired by Heavenly Father, who DOES see me and know me. Each calling has a stewardship, and with that stewardship comes the right to receive revelation to do your calling. For instance, part of a Bishop's stewardship is to issue calls to fill the many positions in the Ward (that's a simplification, but you get what I mean), so he seeks and gets revelation as to who goes where.

I believe in revelation; pertinate, personal and vital revelation from a Father who loves his children. But He is also a Father who WILL have a humble people, and what is more humbling than doing something that is hard for you? Something that you are perhaps not even very good at?

When I gave birth to Henry, having a son and a lousy attitude toward the BSA, I pretty much knew that a calling in the scouting program was inevitable, I just thought I would have more time to prepare, ya know? Anyways, I am game to learn what I can from this experience, and to be of service to some pretty awesome boys. Already I am learning some stuff that I believe will be invaluable to me in raising the Hen-man. Don't care what anyone says... boy ARE different from girls!